Ask someone why they had, or are havingaffair and you may hear
something like this: “I havelousy marriage. My marriage is dead. There
is no intimacy, no sex, and no excitement. The love is gone. We’ve grown
apart. I can’t standmarriage. There was nothing happening in
marriage andaffair just happened.”

These statements are rationalizations and fail to “get at”underlying issues.

Key points:

one. It’s as ifmarriage isanimal gone bad. A marriage does not
havelife of it’s own. In reality, there is no such thing as“marriage.”
One is “married” asresult of making some promises and signing
paper at one point. Afterpaper is signed, two people continue
communicating and acting toward one another in particular ways that they
hope will help them get what they individually want. Just as there is no
“marriage,” there is no such thing as“relationship.” There are, however,
ways of relating for which each person is responsible. Remember
comedian Flip Wilson (that dates me) and his “The devil made me
do it” skit?

two. We idealize “marriage” or “romantic relationships” with
expectation we will get what we want, without much effort to boot. The
movies, popular public press and romance novels/stories don’t help much
here. A “marriage” is behindeight ball fromword go. “IT” can’t win.

three. From day one most of us don’t haveclue about how to get, build,
nurture and maintain healthy and intimate ways of relating. We need
‘love onezeroone’ and it’s not there. We rely upon experimentation or bad models.

four. If“marriage” is dead, why inworld would one choose to
haveaffair? Talk about jumping fromfrying pan intofire.
It really is stupid. You addwhole layer of deceit and shame that eventually
will result in consequences more dire than approaching your spouse and
saying, “I’m really unhappy. What I’m doing with you obviously is not working.
I want out.” Oh well, maybe some people need more problems and suffering.

five. If“marriage” is bad, obviously, I don’t have to look at me.
I can blame “it” orother. Some of us find it difficult to look at me. Some of us don’t know how to look at me. Some of us never think of looking at me.

Tip: If your partner/spouse is having and affair and blames it on“marriage,” don’t buy into it. The “marriage” is notproblem. You are
notproblem. Your spouse/partner choseaffair out of ignorance,
fear or inadequacy.

The “My Marriage Made Me Do It” is just one of seven affairs outlined in my E-book, “Break Free FromAffair.” For more information onissues behindother kinds of affairs and tips for dealing with them, visit my site.